My Story: Rachel

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" 2 Corinthians 5:17

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There are many parts to my story that I won’t have time to write about but here is a taste of the freedom I have found in knowing Jesus.

Starting with my background, I was raised in a Christian family, my dad as a pastor, so our family was very involved in the church. Throughout the summers I would attend Christian camp and that is really where my faith was stoked and started to develop. Throughout my childhood I had a strong desire to serve God and to share about who He is with others. I can remember one particular time at a church conference when I felt the Holy Spirit so close. In that moment I knew God saw me and loved me and the only response I could give was a stream of tears. I was twelve years old.

After that experience all I wanted to do was to share how good God is, yet people’s responses were different than I expected. More and more I realized that what I believed was not the most popular opinion, and over time shame started to sneak into the place which was once filled with so much joy and confidence. I no longer felt the excitement about how I was raised or who I was as a Christian and soon started looking in other places for confidence and affirmation. I still believed in God but I started believing what the world said about me more than what God said.

In tenth grade I went on a mission trip with my church to Guatemala. When I was there, I saw such deep poverty . I could not understand, at the time, how God was good amidst such poverty and pain. For the first time in my life I actually began to question if God was real. I was so scared to share my doubts with people because I was scared that people wouldn't take me seriously and I was ultimately afraid that my doubts were true, so I kept them in. As time went on the doubts sank deeper and lies about my identity became the loudest voice I could hear. The excitement and joy I once had was absent and I began to turn away from everything and everyone good in my life. I was stuck in comparison and I gave in to the lies telling me that I wasn’t enough, not pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough, smart enough. But the lie that gripped my heart the most was that if there was a God, He would never love me because my doubts were too severe and my continual sin was beyond the grasp of his grace especially because I was raised in a Christian home.

This lie left me feeling unwanted and unloveable, reaping me of deep relationships and keeping me isolated. Thus began the search for anything that would make me feel loved. I began regularly lying to my parents about going out, seeking attention from guys and letting go of almost all of the standards I once held for myself. In the process of seeking love, through parties, attention from guys, and the relentless striving to be "enough" all I found was a deep emptiness in my heart and profound sadness with who I had become. My heart had become so hardened towards God and I placed all of the blame for who I had become on him rather than taking any ownership for my mistakes. I was selfish, lonely, confused, and in major denial of the depth of pain I was in.

This season lasted consistently for about three years throughout high school and my life really came to a crossroads the summer after graduation. I was enrolled at The University of Prince Edward Island for the upcoming fall yet I felt no peace or excitement about going and knew that if I stayed my life would likely continue revolving around the unhealthy patterns I had woven myself into. One day while driving to Charlottetown with my cousin, listening to her talk about her upcoming travels to attend a worship school something sparked in my heart and knew I needed to move away from the island. It was that day that I reapplied for Trinity Western University, a school I had months before declined acceptance from, and that same day they re-accepted me and I felt so much peace.

Moving to British Columbia and knowing nobody was scary but exciting at the same time, it felt like a fresh start. I met many incredible friends who continually spoke truth into my life (and still do), and my heart began to soften towards God again. However, the change was slow and I still had unspoken doubts, insecurities, and still struggled to believe that God really loved me. Yet I can see now that God was so intentional in healing my heart little by little.

It wasn’t until this past year (my third year of university) that I have truly began to know the heart of Jesus. I found myself in a deeply broken and desperate place again faced with insecurity and believing lies that I was unlovable and unwanted. However, this time the battle felt more intense. My mind became such a mess of lies that panic rose in me, anxiety started to dictate my decisions and feelings of hopelessness and depression started invading my heart. However, yet this time I was met with so much love. The Lord used people in my life to show me kindness, grace, and love and to reintroduce me to truth. It started with someone caring for me in my worst moments and offering me continued grace, grace that, based on my actions, I really didn’t deserve. That is when I really began to understand that God does that for me over and over again. The Lord showed me through a broken heart how good He is and how much he actually loves me. It was brokenness that propelled me to reach out, push past fear, contact a mentor in my church and ask every question and voice every doubt about God. I can say that all I have found is soul filling truth which has restored me with joy and excitement deeper than I have ever experienced. A friend of mine once shared in church a passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, one I have heard many times before, but this time completely changed my view of God, he read,

God is patient, God is kind, God is not jealous or boastful, or proud, or rude. God does not demand his own way. He is not irritable and he keeps no record of being wronged. He does not rejoice in injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. God never gives up, he never loses faith, he is always hopeful, and he endures through every circumstance.

For the first time in a long time I started to see God as good and trustworthy, and eternally loving. God’s word has given me life and brought light to the darkest places of my heart. I know that nothing I ever do or don’t do will separate me from a love this great, this deep, and this true. My eyes well with tears as I write this because I so deeply desire for everyone to experience this love, to know this God. Friends, He is so good and He loves you so much. Nothing you have done or ever will do can change His love for you, because His love never changes. He died so you could have abundant life and He would do it all again, just to heal your heart.

Thank you for listening to my story and if you have any questions about it please feel free to ask!!