Fleeing Perfection

Some of us have this impossibly critical voice inside, telling us that we need to be perfect. We need to appear put together in all aspects of life- appearance, friendships, professional life, family, sports, music etc. This belief that we need to strive for perfection does get things accomplished, however, it brings along with it much heavier baggage. 

From the time that I was a kid in elementary school, I was what they call a “perfectionist”. I would spend hours upon hours on my homework, trying to make every detail perfect and always frustrated when my work wasn’t up to my standards. Being the oldest of four kids, I felt the responsibility to set the precedent for the kids of our family. As I got older, the goal of perfection continued to grow into needing to be perfect at everything I did, whether it was school or work or friendships or music. My idea of perfection was getting good marks, never making mistakes and doing everything I did exactly right. If it wasn't perfect it was horrible. This belief stole friendships, time, creativity and joy. I remember taking piano lessons as a kid and being so embarrassed when I would mess up that I wanted to quit instead of keep practicing. It wasn’t a great mindset, clearly. I was always praised for doing well, and I was proud of it, but I had this subconscious requirement to keep pleasing people with my perfection. 

This people pleasing and perfection seeking ultimately led to years of excessive anxiety and  believing these lies about myself:

• I deserve punishment when I make mistakes

• I have nothing valuable to offer 

• I am never enough 

• I am not a good friend

• I am a failure

• I need to be in control or everything will fall apart

• I have nothing valuable to offer

• If I can’t do something exactly right, there is no sense in doing it at all

 I hated who I had become because through many years of being, well, human, I had inevitably made many mistakes. I realized that I couldn’t be perfect, but I didn’t know how to be, if I wasn’t aiming for perfection. With these lies came so much shame. Shame keeps us hidden in fear and makes monsters out of mistakes and imperfections. Shame keeps us silent and causes us to feel unworthy. I fought a silent battle with these lies, that nearly cost me everything. But it didn’t win. Shame is a liar and it will never win.

~ You were never meant to carry the weight of the world, you were made to rely on the one who already has the world in His hands, and that’s Jesus ~

So, how do we fight perfectionism and shame? 

• As always, it starts with admitting that your perfectionistic tendencies are hindering you more than they’re helping you. 

• Bring your weaknesses into the light, make them known, tell someone. Shame can't stand it when our insecurities are revealed.

• Next, notice the lies you are believing about yourself. This can take a while, especially if you’ve believed them for your entire life. You can also ask trusted friends/family/mentors to help point them out to you. Once you start, it will get easier and you will realize the way hidden lies have been stealing from you. 

• Now you replace those lies with the truth. You were created to live fully and that looks like living in the truth. Seek scripture and ask people you trust to speak truth into your life. Ultimately you are the one that will change you, though, no one else can do that for you. 

• Here are some truths/scripture to fill your mind with:

  • “ But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9

  • “ God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” - Romans 5:8

  • “ Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:7

  • “God equips me with strength and makes my way blameless.” - Psalm 18: 32

  • “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:30)

• You can also speak affirmations over yourself such as:

  • I am enough, no matter what I do

  • I am worthy of receiving and giving love

  • I am valuable

  • I can try new things without needing to be perfect at it

  • There is room for me to make mistakes

  • I am seen, loved and accepted just as I am

  • I am a good friend

  • I am under grace, no exceptions

  • I am not a burden

Saying these affirmations over yourself will help you believe the truth about yourself and live in the freedom you were born for!

Perfection vs. Excellence

We often confuse valuing excellence with needing to be perfect. Excellence looks like doing your best, asking for help and seeking guidance. Excellence is highly valuable and integrous, involving value for high quality work. The difference between this and perfection is, perfection looks like trying your best and more, beating yourself up when you don’t get things right the first time, spending excessive amounts of time on a task so that you lose time on other important things,  and feeling like a failure when you need help. I value excellence and always want to do well, but when my identity lies in needing to be excellent above being loving or kind,  I realize I’ve tipped the too heavy into perfectionism. 

There is an aspect of perfectionism and control that is rooted in pride. If you struggle with perfectionism, it sucks to hear that. But when we are expecting ourselves to meet a standard that only God can meet, we are saying “I don’t trust you to do what you say you can do, so I need to take control and perfect this myself”.  If we can humble ourselves before the Lord, letting go of our need to cling tightly to control, we will experience a far greater amount of joy, peace and freedom! It has taken me years to come to this point and I needed to pray that the Lord would help me let go of control. It felt impossible when it’s all I’ve known. But, God is gracious and will never cause us to stumble when we rely on him. He is the only perfect one and his plans for us are far greater than the plans we make for ourselves. He loves when we relax and fall back into His capable arms. This is good news!

Even writing this blog post, I am tempted to fall into perfectionistic tendencies, but I refuse to let it take over my thoughts. I am free and secure in Jesus, regardless of what people think, how my writing is or who is impacted by it. I do, however, pray this is helpful for someone. You are seen and you are loved, not for what you do, but for who you are. You're not too much. You are a masterpiece and worthy of love. Take a breath.

If you have questions or want to chat, send us an email, FB message or DM us on instagram and we’ll be happy to answer :)

Here are some resources that have helped me on this journey to freedom from perfectionism:

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist

• Imperfect Courage by Jessica Honegger

• Nothing To Prove by Jennie Allen